


Thanks, brain, I hate it

by oblitherous



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Anorexia, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluffy, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Lance (Voltron) Whump, Langst, Whump, i mightve just called pidge pidge though so like, i think i used female pronouns for pidge?, im proud of my cuban son, keith is a good leader, lance is basically fighting his ed every step of the way, like lance dies for three minutes but like cpr is a thing, mentions of anorexia, mentions of bulimia, mentions of past eating disorders, shiro is kinda outta character bc im too tired, some violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-17
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-15 22:39:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13040958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oblitherous/pseuds/oblitherous
Summary: He’s disgusted by you-Karin, by the love of the gods, will you shut up? Lance shoved his hands into his coat pockets again. Keith’s eyebrows raised.Lance gets hit by a spell from Haggar and now all the paladins can hear his thoughts and he doesn't know it at first!The team finds out a little more about their new red paladin and his mental status.Wrote at like 2 am. Super fluffy vent fic. Basically about how I cope with my eating disorder lmao.





	Thanks, brain, I hate it

**Author's Note:**

> Hiya! I am so tired. I wrote this on little sleep at 2 am 
> 
> it's unedited and I don't plan to edit! Just a fun lil writing piece c:
> 
> I have experience w ed's and kinda wanna write how it's like in my head every day and I think it'd be cool to see more representation of it so why not write it ya know?  
> Anyways ima sleep now  
> love yall <3

 

Lance maneuvered the red lion away from a beam of purple light. The lion flipped and landed half on a comet. Its claws dug into the comet. It bounced back towards the Galran ships attacking them. Lance hit a button and the lion opened its sword. He quickly pushed forward, and the sword struck the Galran ships down. Lance whooped in his seat. 

“Nice job, Lance,” Shiro said through the comms. “I need you to take down the fleet coming up on Hunk, Lance.”

Lance looked over at Pidge’s green lion. A small team of Galran ships approached her lion in rapid succession. A particularly large ship gained on the green lion. Purple and gold beams zapped but ultimately missed the Green Lion. Lance hesitated.

“A-are you sure?” Lance asked. He looked back at Hunk who held his own against two Galran ships. 

“I think Pidge needs the backup, Shiro,” Allura stated. A beam of blue struck a Galran ship near Lance. 

“I can handle this,” Hunk stated. 

Shiro grunted. His lion obscured by a few comets from Lance’s view. “Lance! Now!”

Lance sighed. His stomach twisted in tight knots. The red lion growled in his head. Lance pushed forward. He dodged a Galran ship. He turned his head to the side to see Pidge cornered by a fleet of Galra ships. The Large ship fast approaching her from the rear. Lance hastily pulled the controls to the side. 

A large gold beam of energy gathered at the hilt of the larger ship. The red lion wedged itself between the green lion and the larger Galran ship. The light struck out, and Lance slammed the red lion backward and bumped the green lion. The green lion flew to the side and out of the way of the energy blast and oncoming fleet. The gold beam launched. 

It struck the red lion. 

Lance got thrown out of his seat. His head colliding with the back wall. His helmet cracked and fell off. His head rested against the wall he fell on. Lance couldn’t feel anything. His head spun. He slowly got to his hands and knees and crawled into his chair. The red lion glitched. It’s warning lights flashed. The power glitched. The visuals of the world hazy and grainy through the screen. 

The yellow lion slammed into the larger Galran ship. It’s side shredded. The ship took quite a bit of damage. Lance rested his head in his chair. His vision clouded up. Something warm dripped from the side of his head. 

He pressed his finger against his head. When his hand came back into view it was stained red. Lance’s limb fell numbly into his lap. His eyes closed. Lance’s body fell backward and plunged into a cold pool. His limbs grew colder. His body too heavy to move. His eyes drifted open. Water surrounded him. Dark and cold. Lance exhaled, but couldn’t bother to inhale. 

Something splashed in the water with him. The waves shook his body. He looked around himself. Another crash of waves rocked him. Fire melted through his veins. Lance gasped. He squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his jaw. 

“-ome on!” a voice struck his ear. The water drained away. Lance gasped. 

His eyes opened. Blurry faces drifted over his own. Shouts rang through. Lance’s body felt so heavy. Someone picked Lance up. They shoved him somewhere. Cold attacked him from all sides. Lance shivered. 

Then Lance fell into a gentle haze. 

 

A loud ear-piercing screech of metal on metal disturbed Lance. His eyes rapidly blinked open. Smoke around him drifted away. His hand shakily grabbed the side of the glass pod. Its hinges creaked to a stop. Lance’s other hand grabbed his head. He took a step forward and hands came out and grabbed him. 

“Welcome back, my boy,” Coran said. Lance shivered in his arms. 

“W-what happened?” Lance stepped away from Lance, finally confident he got his land legs back. 

Coran smiled. “You jumped in the line of fire to save your fellow paladin,” he twirled his finger through his mustache. “Now there were other ways of handling this, I’m sure, but due to your bravery and quick thinking Pidge came out safe.”

Lance smiled and sighed. 

“But please,” Coran put his hands on Lance’s shoulders. “Do not attempt something like that ever again. It worried us all so much when your…”

Lance tilted his head and put his hands on his hips. “What happened?”       

Tears pushed to the brim of Coran's eyes. “You died out there, Lance,” he half whispered, “please understand how upset your fellow paladins and I are. They managed to restart your heart and got you in the pod in time.”

Lance’s hands dropped to his sides. His eyes stared at the ground. The room felt ten degrees colder. “Oh…” Lance swallowed back a lump in his throat.  **_Too bad I didn’t die. Missed the chance_ ** _ ,  _ Lance shook his head and the thought away. “I’m sorry, Coran. I’ll be more careful.”

Coran nodded. 

“Well, it’s breakfast now,” Coran beamed. “I already made the other paladins leave to get their nutrition while I watch over you. Oh, and Keith is returning to us for a moment, so get ready!”

Lance smiled and nodded. “Really? Awesome! Alright! Let me change first.” Coran nodded walked Lance to his room before joining the other paladins while Lance changed. 

Lance looked at his body in the mirror he hung in his room. The pod undid a lot of work he put into his figure. His ribs now barely poked out and belly poked out a little. His hands grabbed the small bit of pudge and squished them. He sneered at the fat. 

**_Had to gain weight again?_** Lance sighed. _Being healthy isn’t a bad thing, Helen._ He slid into his everyday clothes. He stole another look at himself in the mirror. **_Fuck that’s an ugly face,_** Lance rolled his eyes. _Momma blessed me with these good ass looks, fuck you kindly, Susan._ He walked out of his room and to the dining hall. 

Distant chattering drifted from the dining hall. Lance opened the door and all talking ceased. Lance’s fellow paladins stared at him. 

“You’re up!” Pidge shouted. She launched herself off her chair into Lance’s arms. Lance caught her and laughed. He spun her around before he set her down. 

Hunk clapped Lance’s back and hugged him. “Good to see you up, buddy.”

Lance smiled and nodded. “Glad to be up. Did ya miss me?”

“Of course,” Allura approached from behind Hunk. “Voltron would be much too quiet without you.”

Pidge nodded in agreement. “It’s been so quiet I started missing your annoying voice.”

Lance crossed his arms. “Hey! My voice is sauve!”

His friends laughed.  **_Lance is synonymous with annoying,_ ** Lance ignored the thought that crept through his head. The rest of the paladins already sitting back down to their food. Shiro’s eyes followed Lance. He shivered.  _ Probably gonna get a lecture,  _ Lance grabbed a plate of goo and sighed.  **_I deserve to die._ ** Lance inhaled sharply. His chest suddenly cold. He marched himself back to the table and sat down with the rest of the paladins. 

He stuck a fork in the goo.  **_How many calories are in goo anyway?_ ** Lance shoveled a big forkful into his mouth. 

“I can’t get over how boring this goo is,” Pidge commented. Lance nodded. 

“It…” Allura pushed the goo around her plate. “Is getting old.” Her cheeks tinged pink. 

**_Spit it out. Spit it out. Spit it out._ ** Lance swallowed the goo. Hunk, on the other hand, spit his out into a napkin. 

Lance raised his eyebrows in concern. “You okay there, buddy?”

Hunk shrugged. “I don’t know if I can handle this lifeless goo anymore.”

Lance hummed empathetically. He took another bite of the goo. “I heard Keith’s coming back for a little.”

Shiro nodded. His eyes still fixed on Lance. “Today actually. He’s staying for a while. We need him for a diplomatic mission.”

Lance shrugged. “Don’t tell him I said this, but I kinda miss Mr. Mullet man.”

Pidge theatrically gasped and put her hand over her mouth. “Are you saying  _ you _ actually  _ care _ about Keith?”

Lance scoffed. “No, I-I just miss making fun of his dumb hair!”

“Oh, he misses him,” Hunk mused. “I’m gonna go make a healthy feast for him. Something edible too.”

“Sounds good,” Shiro mused. “Allura and I are going to work out some battle plans. Pidge I need you to work on the red lion with Coran as soon as you can. Lance, please rest today,” Shiro’s eyes softened. Lance nodded. 

The team split off into their own places. Before Pidge left to disappear into the lion hanger, she squeezed Lance’s side and punched his shoulder. 

“That’s for dying on us. Please don’t do it again,” she smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes.  

Lance rubbed his arm where she punched and smiled back. “Don’t plan on it, gremlin.”

Once everyone left Lance, the empty space became too quiet for him. Lance picked up all the plates and scraped away leftover goo. His stomach squeezed itself.  **_Feels like I’ve eaten five-hundred calories. Can’t eat any more until I’ve burned two-hundred and fifty-_ ** _ Why am I so bad today? I’m not even that sad?!  _ Lance sighed exasperatedly at himself and placed the dishes no a metal tray that pulled out next to the food goo and shut the tray into the wall. 

Lance shoved his hands into his pockets. He wandered into the hallway. The familiar sound of metal clinking against weapon soundeed through the hallway. Lance raised an eyebrow. He picked up pace.

He opened the door to the training deck. In all his black and purple glory, Keith struck at a robot gladiator. His movements quick and precise. He struck the gladiator in the chest with a kick, then twisted himself around to give the gladiator another roundhouse kick. The gladiator managed to dodge the second kick, and threw it’s spear towards Keith. Keith quickly backed up and got some distant between the two. 

Keith then launched himself forward. The gladiator went to spear Keith, but Keith’s speed surpassed the robot. With one swing of his dagger, the gladiator fell broken to the ground. 

Lance whistled. Keith quickly turned around. “Nice work, samurai.”

Keith smirked and jogged towards Lance. “It’s good to see you, Lance.”

Lance rubbed the back of his neck. “You too,” Lance looked behind Keith, “You tell anyone you’re here yet?”

Keith shrugged. “Coran knows, but he said he wanted everyone to be ready,” Keith crossed his arms. “You gained weight. Good to see you’re not a skeleton anymore.”

Something cold wrapped over Lance’s throat and squeezed. He swallowed it back. “Yeah, the pods do a good job.”

Keith’s eyes softened. “Hey, um, Coran told me what happened,” Lance tensed up, “I’m glad you ignored Shiro’s order. Pidge would’ve been dust if you hadn’t stepped in, but…” Keith uncrossed his arms, “you died for three minutes out there.”

“I know. I gotta be more careful-”

Keith took a step closer. “I’m worried. I need more than you promising to be more careful in the future.” Keith grabbed Lance’s wrist. Lance stared at Keith’s hand on his wrist. Lance’s skin heated up. A light blush dusted his cheeks. 

“I-I’m,” Lance stuttered. He took a deep breath. “Y-yeah. I could’ve done better out there. I fucked up, and I’m sorry that I did that to you guys.” He met Keith’s eyes. Keith half smiled. 

“Thank you. That’s all I ask for,” Keith took his hand away from Lance’s. 

**_He’s disgusted by you-_ ** _ Karin, by the love of the gods, will you shut up?  _ Lance shoved his hands into his coat pockets again. Keith’s eyebrows raised. He tilted his head. 

“I’m gonna go bother Hunk,” Lance spun around on his heels. “See you at dinner then?”

“Y-yeah,” Keith’s voice came out oddly quiet. 

Lance shrugged and moved on. Lance found himself wandering back into his room. His body fatigued. Lance threw his jacket to the side of the room. He switched the automatic lights off and crawled into bed. He kicked his shoes off and buried himself in his blankets. His body shivered. His brain wide awake, but the rest of him felt like it weighed ten tons. 

He curled into himself. A familiar cold achiness hung in his chest. Lance refused to allow himself to give in. Today they got Keith back. It’s a good day, right? Lance hugged himself and rolled his face onto his pillow. Lance sighed. His stomach twisted. His eyes stared at the darkness of his room. 

**_I don’t deserve to be alive,_ ** Lance didn’t fight the thought. His stomach coiled into itself.  _ I need to go. Now.  _ Lance hopped up from his bed. His head dizzy from the sudden shift. He threw on his shoes and hastily walked out of his room. He walked quickly to the hangar.  _ Red, red. I need red.  _ His limbs froze to his sides. His jacket forgotten in his room.

Lance quickly walked over to red. He noticed a tiny figure curled up between her paw and her chest. Pidge. Asleep? Lance walked around. Her eyes stared at the ground. Tears fell down her cheeks.  _ Fuck… _ Lance looked up. Coran stood on a lift to the side of the red lion. A large blue screened holographic computer drifted over the lion. Altean script scrolled down the screen. Lance waved at Coran. 

Coran looked to his side. His finger twirled his mustache. Lance pointed at Pidge. Coran looked over. His body tensed. He tripped over himself, but managed to get off the lift and race towards Pidge.  

_ Must be upset about the whole death thing,  _ Lance sighed. Lance’s heart raced in his chest. He turned and walked away from them.  _ Nothing a little Coran comfort can’t help.  _ He smiled to himself. 

Back to his room, and Lance felt even worse. He paced circles in his room and groaned when that didn’t settle him.  **_Just do it,_ ** Lance rolled his eyes at the thought.  **_I always feel better when I throw up-_ ** _ Sharon, your advice sucks.  _ Lance crossed his arms and stared at himself in his mirror. His eyes focused on the roundness of his face and the bulk he gained on his waist. He squeezed his eyes shut.  _ I do not need this today- _

“Hey buddy, feast is done when you’re ready,” Hunk opened Lance’s door. 

Lance blinked and uncrossed his arms. “I’m starving!” 

Hunk smiled back and the two walked silently down the hallway. In the dining room, Keith already made his appearance. He sat next to Shiro. Both talked animatedly together. Pidge already started to place whatever Hunk laid out in pots on the table onto her plate. Both Alteans also sat in their respective places. 

Lance sat down across from Keith. His eyes traveled over the foods. In one pot sat what appeared to be deep fried blue tentacles, in another quinoa or some kind of grain look alike with a chopped blue, green, and purple vegetables (or Lance assumed were vegetables) stirfried in the starch, and the last pot held a mess of purple and yellow leaves with bits of red round shaped fruits or vegetables in them. 

Hunk began to explain each dish and what they tasted closest too. The fried tentacles tasted like chicken and were made of some subspecies from a planet they visited.  **_Don’t eat that,_ ** Lance squirmed at the amount of calories the fried food must carry. The next dish exactly as Lance thought it looked; a starch based food with veggies stir fried together.  **_Don’t eat it, carbs make me fat. Can’t eat anymore. Need to burn two-hundred fifty before eating again._ ** Lance rubbed his forearm. The last dish contained fruit tasting vegetables and very nutrient dense.  **_Fat causing-_ **

“It’s a fat free dish,” Hunk added quickly. 

All the paladins stared at Hunk. Lance screwed his lips shut.  _ Did I speak out loud and Hunk heard me? _

“You hear it too?!” Pidge jumped to her feet. 

“I’m glad I wasn’t going crazy,” Keith mused. 

Allura nodded enthusiastically. “Shiro and I have been discussing this all day.”

The other paladins looked to her and Shiro. “Why haven’t you said anything to us all day?” Hunk asked them. 

“We thought it was just us two given that we were the only ones to come forward about it…” Allura pressed her lips together. 

“We think we know what’s going on,” Shiro stated. He sat back in his seat. “During the fight yesterday, the red lion got struck by a large yellow energy beam. Turns out it was quintessence. Allura broke it down and found out it was a spell, but it got disrupted from Hunk knocking her out.”

Allura stood up. “I came to a conclusion the spells original attention was something far more sinister-to let Zarkon hear our thoughts without our knowledge. But that didn’t occur. Since it was broken early, the spell was transferred to all of us so we can hear one paladin’s thoughts…”

Lance bit his bottom lip. “You’ve all been hearing my thoughts, right?” Lance’s cheeks burned as he stared at the table. 

“I’m sorry, as you know we didn’t mean to be invasive-” Allura’s voice softened.

Lance shook his head. “No, it’s fine, princess. The witch did it. Not you.” 

The room fell in silence. Lance raised his eyes and met Pidge’s eyes. “I’m sorry for putting you through that. I’m sorry for putting you all through that.”

Hunk wrapped his arms around Lance’s frame and squeezed him. “I’m sorry I didn’t know about this sooner!”

“Woah! It’s okay buddy! It’s not like I broadcast my past to everyone,” Lance hugged Hunk back, “I was anorexic for about three years before coming to the Garrison. I got help back then for it. I’m better than I was.”

Keith stood up. “So you’re okay?”

Lance’s hand tipped side to side. “So-so. I have good days and I have bad. Usually it’s good days, but today it’s been not too fantastic. By the way Shiro,” Lance maneuvered out of Hunk’s hug, “how did you know it was me?”

“Yeah,” Pidge pushed up her glasses, “it doesn’t sound like Lance at all.”

Shiro smiled sheepishly. “Honestly I didn’t know until you all started reacting to what Hunk said.”

“Shirogane Holmes,” Lance pressed his hand against his chest theatrically.

“Wait how can I hear Lance’s thoughts? I wasn’t even here for that battle,” Keith grumbled. 

“It’s a lion thing, my dear boy!” Coran stated proudly. “That’s the working theory, of course.” 

Keith nodded. “I don’t know who Helen, Karin, Susan or whoever those ladies are but I hate them.”

Lance half-smiled. “It helps control the thoughts. By the way, how are we going to get rid of this whole spell-thingy?”

“The spell should ware off in another few hours,” Allura stated. 

Lance sat back down in his seat. “Coolio, princess. Now if you don’t mind me I need some food!”

  
  



End file.
